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How To Catch and Keep A Vampire Cover Picture

How To Catch and Keep A Vampire

Diana Laurence

Published 2009        160 pages

Summary (from the book jacket)

Who needs a book on dating a vampire? Well, Bella Swan and Sookie Stackhouse to name just two. They are fortunate to have vampire boyfriends. But what the heroines of Twilight and True Blood don't have - and could use - is some advice on getting along with them. Everything they and every other red-blooded American girl (and guy) wants to know about finding a dreamy blood-drinker and keeping him is within How to Catch and Keep a Vampire: A Step-by-Step Guide to Loving The Bad and the Beautiful.

And who better to introduce mortal readers to the world of dating a 21st century vampire than a few mouth-watering immortals? The cast includes: Ethan, with his aquamarine eyes and supernaturally seductive piano playing. Mordred, classically cruel, dark, and handsome, with a thing for black leather gloves. His entrancingly cute carrot-topped friend Adam, as sweet as Mordred is scary. Gunnar, with his rich, golden hair, and dastardly but delightful knack for getting his way. The experienced and fascinating Colin, with his exquisite latte-colored skin and exotic beauty. The eccentric but gorgeous Aidan, purveyor of ancient magic. And enigmatic Conner, with his deep, dark eyes and protective soul. 

The Review

How to Catch and Keep a Vampire by Diana Laurence is a short but beautifully presented book on the subject of dating the undead. Printed on high quality paper with an elegant layout, the book is split into 10 chapters that deal with different aspect of vampire dating. Each chapter sets out some text covering the topic, answering questions such as “Is it possible to tame a vampire?” followed by case studies, anecdotal evidence and vampire dating FAQs. The quality presentation of this book combined with its subject matter could make it an ideal gift for a budding Bella Swan or Sookie Stackhouse wannabe.

As a life long lover of vampire fiction who is prone to day-dreaming her way through boring work meetings, I have over the years established my own ideas on the subject of vampire dating. How to do it, why to do it and what benefits it would bring. My favourite fantasy goes something like this:

  1. Meet sexy mysterious stranger.
  2. Make shock discovery that stranger is a vampire and that vampires exist!
  3. Get involved in solving weird supernatural mysteries with said vampire while enjoying a frisson of sexual tension caused by his magnetic vampire presence…
  4. In act of amazing braveness sacrifice self for innocent child/mortal other.
  5. Get saved from death at last minute by being turned into vampire by the studly vampire detective, who just can’t (un)live without me.
  6. Live (un-live?) happily ever after with vampire / open supernatural detective agency.

Yes, I’ve spent way too much time reading fantasy fiction and attended too many dull work meetings but the point I’m trying to make is that my fantasy is fun. And clearly fantastical.

For me, How to Catch and Keep a Vampire somehow seemed to suck the fun and the fantastical out of the idea of vampire dating. It involves meeting vampires at the local Laundromat and striking up conversation with them while folding your smalls. Followed by the acceptance that a vampire can’t be faithful so make sure you don’t ditch your mortal boyfriend either. Have both.

For some reason I was expecting How to Catch and Keep a Vampire to be a humorous vampire dating guide but I just found it to be humourless and slightly depressing reading. As ever, don’t allow yourself to be constrained by my prejudices – just because I didn’t “get” this book doesn’t mean that you won’t.

However, one has to argue that this book’s claims that Bella Swan and Sookie Stackhouse could benefit from a vampire dating guide are way off target. Both Bella and Sookie appeared to have ignored every rule in the book and seem to be doing just fine on their own…

LoveVampires Review Rating:

Review Rating: 2 stars out of 5

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